I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
