I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
