I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
