you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
