did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
