cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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