All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
