thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
