Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
