I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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