i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
