I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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