We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
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He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
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How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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