oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
