pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
