Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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