So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
