My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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