Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
