Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
