becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
