he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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