rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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