My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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