i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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