I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
did i walk over a car last night?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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