Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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