we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
