youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
