There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
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