My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
