If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
