Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
do nipples grow back?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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