I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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