I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
