Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
