I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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