You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
