Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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