Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
