Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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