My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
