If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
