take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
