I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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