don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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