this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
