I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
