I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
