hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
