see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
