I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Houston, we have a blender
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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