I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
