I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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