she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
do herpes really smell.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
