I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
