I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
