WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
