Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
