Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
