So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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