I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
