Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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