i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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