she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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