Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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